If I Was In Kingdom Hearts
by so-they-say
Summary: My adventure in the Kingdom Hearts game, harrassing the characters. Yes, this is a joke story, but I'm continuing it anyway, because acting like you're on crack is fun.
1. Chapter 1

author: hey people! I was on deviantart and after seeing some Kingdom Hearts stuff, I got inspired. Unfortunately, I'm not a very serious person, and when I'm tired...um. This happens. This story is purely for fun. Sick, crack-like, idiotic fun. :)

If you like it, and I can't really image ANYONE actually _liking_ this, then please review.

Disclaimer:...do I even have to bother? Seriously? Then again, I don't want to get sued, so....**I do not own Kingdom Hearts, any of it's characters, or Final Fantasy. Please don't rub this in. **

Anywho...enjoy?

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After months and months of furious, extreme wishmaking, The author of this terrible fan-fic get's the thumbs up from God and is sent to the world of Kingdom Hearts.

I am totally Cereal.

Ch. 1:

*Magically appearing in a cloud of anime-smoke at Destiny Islands*

Me: ZOMG FUCK YEAH DUDE I DID IT!

The author has been teleported to the beach, next to the bent, deformed papoui tree that is forced to serve as a bench for Sora and co.

Papoui tree: Please kill me.

Me: Sorry, you disfigured tree. But I have amazingly hot people to annoy. *marches off importantly*

Papoui tree: *cries, trying to cut self with leaves. It doesn't work*.

The author proceeds to wander around in circles, having absolutely no idea where she is going. This is mostly because she has a very short attention span and forgot pretty much all of the worlds after she finished both games.

Eventually she stumbles upon Kairi, who is walking home from school with Selphie.

Me:...aw fuck, you're not Sora!

Kairi: Uhm, excuse me?

Me: Hi Kairi, nice to meetcha, love your hair (not really), yada yada. Do you happen to know where SORA is?

Kairi: *confused* Do I know you?

Me: Bitch, just answer the question.

Kairi: ...Um, no, I don't. He left on another journey...I haven't seen him in so long...How do you know him? Are you a friend of his?

Me: ...Damnit, this is Kingdom Hearts 2, isn't it?

Kairi: What?

Me: You've been very helpful Kairi, thanks. *about to pat head, then remembers that Kairi is in love with Sora and "accidentally" punches her in the face.

Kairi: Oh my God, ow! What is WRONG with you?

The author's squirrel-like attention span makes her magically poof/teleport to a new world, giving Kairi the finger as she goes.

*a little later, in Twilight Town*

Axel is menacing around in shadowy corners, keeping an eye out for Roxas. Because he is just _that _much of a stalker. As he is nearing Roxas and his gang's secret base, he hears something running in his direction from behind. He spins around, wielding his flaming, spiky wheels of doom.

He comes face to face with the author, who is panting heavily because she sucks at long-distance running.

Me: ...Um, Hai.

Axel:...Who are you and what do you want?

Me: Have you seen Roxas and/or Sora?

Axel: You know Roxas?!

Me: If by know you mean fangirl over obsessively, then yes, I totally know Roxas.

Axel:...what?

Me: Nothing.

They stare at each other in an awkward and uncomfortable silence.

Axel: Uh, you know, I'm a dangerous looking older-guy with two weapons out and emo-makeup. Shouldn't you be afraid?

Me: ...You know, you sort of remind me of The Lion King for some reason...

Axel:...What?

Me:...Nevermind.

The awkward silence continues.

At that moment, Roxas is seen walking out of the Secret Base, eating a sea-salt ice cream. Before Axel can react the author has sprinted yards in mere seconds and ambushes said blonde.

Roxas: Whoa-what the-

Me: *fan-girl squeeing so that he is both stunned and deaf*

Roxas staggers backward, dropping his ice cream. This makes him go into angry/angst mode. He pushes off the author, who looks surprised.

Roxas: Who do you think you are, jumping me like that?! Do I even know you?!

Me: *sad, rejected little voice*....nooooo....

Roxas: Then why did you do that?

Me: ...because I luff you?

Roxas:...what!?

Me: *disappointed sigh* Well, plan A didn't work...

Axel is watching in the backround, absolutely flabbergasted.

Axel: Wow, you have problems, don't you kid?

Me:... :D

Roxas: Oh no, not _him_ again! *gaping at Axel*. Did you send this girl after me?

Axel: No, she just kind of appeared...wait a minute, I'm supposed to be fucking with your mind and telling you we were once best friends and crap, though you have no memory of me whatsoever...

Me: Don't listen Roxy, he wants to rape you!

Axel: OMG NO, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM

Me: *menacing whisper* Raaaape, raaapeeee....

Roxas:...What the fuck is going on around here?!

:) And that's the end of the first chapter. Hope you liked it...? Oh, you didn't? Well...ouch, dude. =(

Next chapter coming...whenever the heck I feel like it. Cuz that's the way I role. ^_^


	2. Chapter 2

2nd chapter, whoooooooooooo!!!! hahaha. I love being an asshole to non-existant people.

Reviews would be awesome; they make me mega happy and hyper enough to write more. critism is good too, because hey, if it sucks, I need to know.

:D hope you like it

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*two hours later*

The author explains to Roxas and Axel their entire past and future within twenty minutes. The rest of the two hours is spent trying to find another sea-salt ice cream for Roxas, because he has a weird, slightly unhealthy addiction to them. They meet up with the rest of Roxas' gang.

Olette: Hey, Roxas! ...Um, who are they...? *looking uncomfortably at the author and Axel*

Me:...the fuck you looking at?

Roxas: Uh. The red-headed guy here is named Axel...he's supposed to be my best friend...that I forgot about...and the girl...Wait, who are you again?

Me: Um. A person?

Hayner: No, he meant your name...

Me: Yeah, you know what Hayner? Shutup. No one likes side-characters.

Hayner: What?!

Me: ...Nothing.

The two groups glare at one another, with Roxas in the middle. He looks nervous.

Pence: Um, well, Roxas, we were on our way to solve the 6 wonders of Twilight Town. You coming?

Roxas: Uh-

Me: Dude, all of it sucks ass. Seriously. Do NOT waste your time on that shit.

Roxas: I guess not then.

Olette: WHAT? You're listening to HER over US!?

Me: It would appear that way, yes. *mutters* stupid bitch.

Roxas: Um, Olette, she knows everything about this world...and all the other ones...

Olette: *infuriated* No she doesn't! She's just making stuff up!

Me: I know your future, Olette.

Olette: Oh really? Then what is it? Humor me.

Me: *happy* You don't have one, because no one cares about you. You're a normal side-character in the Kingdom Hearts world. You're more of a nobody than the Nobodies are.

Olette:....

*after a vicious cat fight and much running away later*

Me: Ow, she punched me in the face!

Roxas: Well, I can't say you didn't deserve it...

Me: Dude, she punched me in the _face._ That _hurts._

Roxas: So that's why you beat her to death with my keyblade?

Me:...let's go with that, yeah.

Axel: Are you sure you're not part of the Organization? You sure as hell seem crazy enough.

Me: ... :P

Roxas: ...whatever. What are you going to do now?

Me: Find Sora, of course! He's the whole reason I came here.

Roxas: I thought you said you loved _me_...?

Me: Oh, I do. But he is you. You are him. He's just the happier, spikier-headed version. I must find him.

Axel: Riiiight then.

The author gives Axel and Roxas hugs, and she is extremely sad.

Me: I guess this is goodbye for now, guys. I have to continue my search.

Roxas: What? So what are _we_ supposed to do now?

Me: Oh, just act like none of this ever happened. The whole game's plot is sure to fix itself in no time.

Axel: Really?

Me: I have no idea. But this is Square Enix. Crazier shit has happened.

Axel: Oh. Okay then.

The author huggles Roxas one more time, though he clearly does not want to be hugged, and gives him a final warning:

Me: If you go out with Namine while I'm gone, I'll chop it off.

Roxas:...What?! Chop _what _off?

Me: Think about it.

Roxas:...oh.

Me: Yep. Just saying.

The author waves goodbye, and then shouts "To Hollow Bastion!!!!"

Nothing happens for a few awkward, extremely self-conscience minutes, and then the author disappears into a cloud of pink smoke. Roxas and Axel look at each other.

Roxas: Um.

Axel: Uh.

Roxas...she was lying about the whole, "rape" thing, right?

Axel...yeaaaaah, let's go with that.


End file.
